Saturday, July 17, 2010

Phase of In-Between

Currently sitting in the Dallas/Ft. Worth airport just people watching... and loving it. I'm on my way to have some family time in Texas for two weeks. Ever since I was 4 or 5 I've been coming out here to visit family during the summer, and after thinking about it, I just can't believe 20 years has flown by. Holly, my godsister, came into my world when I was 7 and she was a newborn, now she's going to be 17 this year! What?!? It's crazy how fast life is when it gets going... i just wish it would slow down just a little bit. Life: slow your roll.

I used to think uncertainty was something to fear. An unknown that could throw you a curveball (although it's more like a knuckleball for you baseball fans). I think when I realized that anticipating the outcome, or spending all your time worrying about the end result, takes away your joy. Think about it. You can either walk through life constantly searching, worrying, wondering... or you can just enjoy the ride. Which person would you rather meet? That's not to say that you shouldn't put effort into the living, but just don't spend all your time worrying about it. Don't pass up something just because of the uncertainty... you never know what you could be missing.

I think sometimes I need to listen to my instincts more, trust myself, and trust that God has a plan. I need to realize that I'm worth more than I think I am... that I bring something to the table. It's so easy for me to just brush things off and make excuses for people because I don't give MYSELF the benefit of the doubt. I used to think that was being selfish, thinking about myself first sometimes. But I know from the support of AWESOME friends that I am worth it. I'm worth more than I've been letting myself realize. But that brings me to where I am now...

I'm in that phase of in-between, and it's hard. I realize that I bring contributions to the table, but i'm not confident enough to do anything about it. I'm so content right now, and most of the time- extremely happy. I have people in my life that make me smile and laugh, and I know they'll be there for me no matter what. I'm working to move forward, to look to the future without letting life pass me by... but I know that I need to believe what I say. There is a difference between knowing what I should be doing- and doing it.

I'm the happiest I've been in a long, long, long time. I'm being patient and knowing that He'll lead me where he wants me. Almost everything seems to be falling into place... and those things that aren't, i'm not forcing. What's going to happen will happen, and it's trusting God and trusting others that is going to get me through. I know that I can count on Him, but I need to know that I can count on others sometimes. I deserve more than I've been letting myself have.

I'm still that person that puts other people's needs before my own in most cases. There are people in my life that I would do anything to make happy. Just to see them smile, I'd do just about anything. But I need to realize that I deserve that back. I need somebody who wants to make me smile, who wants me to be happy. I know these things, but the phase of in-between is a little too hard for me to make a move on just yet. I'm being patient. I'm letting God handle the careful situations. I'm stopping the worrying and the anticipation. It just feels right.

I'm not letting uncertainty suck the joy out of living.

I'm letting God handle that.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Wild at Heart meets Captivating

I long to be swept up in a great adventure.

This morning is definitely what I needed. It feels like May of '08... which is not worth revisiting. If you knew me then, you know exactly where I was in that season. Maybe that should spur me to make some big decisions, but i'm just not there.

EVERYTHING is just so uncertain right now. I feel like there is a deadline on everything, and even though there literally is in some cases, i'm just trying to weigh everything out.

I'm reading Wild at Heart right now, after reading Captivating about 5 times... Allison Grogan and Reid suggested back in the day that I read it to supplement all the great stuff we were going over in the book study for FCA. It is amazing to me some of the stuff that John talks about in the book, and it makes me want to go back and read Captivating all over again. I was taking notes on Choir Tour and getting flack about it. Let's just say Im influencing youth of America daily... instead of just being a nerd. or i'm just a nerd... either way. There was just soooo many good things that I wanted to write down. sue me.

it does feel like May of '08. this needs to change.

prayed for courage, patience, love, discernment, healing, peace, and overall guidance. after all, God is too good to me... i could at least trust that he'll take care of me in everything. Because he loves me enough to answer that essential question in all little girls' hearts. And boy, does it feel good. like it should be. :) He fights for me... battles for me... on the daily.

John talks about evaluating what defines you in life. What is it that drives you, makes you feel worth it? Is it your job, how handsome your spouse is, how much money you make, a talent that you have? What do you take the most pride in? Now- stop and think about what you would do if that was suddenly taken away? Where would you be? WHO would you be? Cause you are still worth it... you were created because you were worth it. Find out where your strength really comes from and go fight the battle. Be who you were created to be without hesitation. no hesitation.

He tells little girls that they are beautiful, worth fighting for, exquisite... they are captivating.

He tells little boys that they are strong, they have a battle to fight, a beauty to rescue... they have what it takes.

Because He's just that good. word.