Saturday, July 17, 2010

Phase of In-Between

Currently sitting in the Dallas/Ft. Worth airport just people watching... and loving it. I'm on my way to have some family time in Texas for two weeks. Ever since I was 4 or 5 I've been coming out here to visit family during the summer, and after thinking about it, I just can't believe 20 years has flown by. Holly, my godsister, came into my world when I was 7 and she was a newborn, now she's going to be 17 this year! What?!? It's crazy how fast life is when it gets going... i just wish it would slow down just a little bit. Life: slow your roll.

I used to think uncertainty was something to fear. An unknown that could throw you a curveball (although it's more like a knuckleball for you baseball fans). I think when I realized that anticipating the outcome, or spending all your time worrying about the end result, takes away your joy. Think about it. You can either walk through life constantly searching, worrying, wondering... or you can just enjoy the ride. Which person would you rather meet? That's not to say that you shouldn't put effort into the living, but just don't spend all your time worrying about it. Don't pass up something just because of the uncertainty... you never know what you could be missing.

I think sometimes I need to listen to my instincts more, trust myself, and trust that God has a plan. I need to realize that I'm worth more than I think I am... that I bring something to the table. It's so easy for me to just brush things off and make excuses for people because I don't give MYSELF the benefit of the doubt. I used to think that was being selfish, thinking about myself first sometimes. But I know from the support of AWESOME friends that I am worth it. I'm worth more than I've been letting myself realize. But that brings me to where I am now...

I'm in that phase of in-between, and it's hard. I realize that I bring contributions to the table, but i'm not confident enough to do anything about it. I'm so content right now, and most of the time- extremely happy. I have people in my life that make me smile and laugh, and I know they'll be there for me no matter what. I'm working to move forward, to look to the future without letting life pass me by... but I know that I need to believe what I say. There is a difference between knowing what I should be doing- and doing it.

I'm the happiest I've been in a long, long, long time. I'm being patient and knowing that He'll lead me where he wants me. Almost everything seems to be falling into place... and those things that aren't, i'm not forcing. What's going to happen will happen, and it's trusting God and trusting others that is going to get me through. I know that I can count on Him, but I need to know that I can count on others sometimes. I deserve more than I've been letting myself have.

I'm still that person that puts other people's needs before my own in most cases. There are people in my life that I would do anything to make happy. Just to see them smile, I'd do just about anything. But I need to realize that I deserve that back. I need somebody who wants to make me smile, who wants me to be happy. I know these things, but the phase of in-between is a little too hard for me to make a move on just yet. I'm being patient. I'm letting God handle the careful situations. I'm stopping the worrying and the anticipation. It just feels right.

I'm not letting uncertainty suck the joy out of living.

I'm letting God handle that.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Wild at Heart meets Captivating

I long to be swept up in a great adventure.

This morning is definitely what I needed. It feels like May of '08... which is not worth revisiting. If you knew me then, you know exactly where I was in that season. Maybe that should spur me to make some big decisions, but i'm just not there.

EVERYTHING is just so uncertain right now. I feel like there is a deadline on everything, and even though there literally is in some cases, i'm just trying to weigh everything out.

I'm reading Wild at Heart right now, after reading Captivating about 5 times... Allison Grogan and Reid suggested back in the day that I read it to supplement all the great stuff we were going over in the book study for FCA. It is amazing to me some of the stuff that John talks about in the book, and it makes me want to go back and read Captivating all over again. I was taking notes on Choir Tour and getting flack about it. Let's just say Im influencing youth of America daily... instead of just being a nerd. or i'm just a nerd... either way. There was just soooo many good things that I wanted to write down. sue me.

it does feel like May of '08. this needs to change.

prayed for courage, patience, love, discernment, healing, peace, and overall guidance. after all, God is too good to me... i could at least trust that he'll take care of me in everything. Because he loves me enough to answer that essential question in all little girls' hearts. And boy, does it feel good. like it should be. :) He fights for me... battles for me... on the daily.

John talks about evaluating what defines you in life. What is it that drives you, makes you feel worth it? Is it your job, how handsome your spouse is, how much money you make, a talent that you have? What do you take the most pride in? Now- stop and think about what you would do if that was suddenly taken away? Where would you be? WHO would you be? Cause you are still worth it... you were created because you were worth it. Find out where your strength really comes from and go fight the battle. Be who you were created to be without hesitation. no hesitation.

He tells little girls that they are beautiful, worth fighting for, exquisite... they are captivating.

He tells little boys that they are strong, they have a battle to fight, a beauty to rescue... they have what it takes.

Because He's just that good. word.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

April Showers Bring MAY flowers

what a great day to just sit and read a book in my empty house... it's been raining like crazy! I love the sound of a hard rain on the roof. so peaceful. love.

i feel like everything is about to change. this is the calm before the storm. Everything is about to really start moving and shaking in my life and everybody else's around me. it may have taken a year after graduating, but now that all my friends and i have a year of experience under our belts, we're all about to take the next step. i've been trying to not really think about how all of this might mean moving apart, but the closer that it gets, the more real it is.

my best friends and i have always been just around the corner since high school. we all went to Eastside together, then the time came for applying for colleges... and we all decided to go to Clemson... then after graduating, everybody but Jennifer moved back to Greenville, while she stayed in Seneca (which was only an hour drive).

i'm not gonna lie, this past year, most of us did some major growing up. i've been living in a house and i bought a brand new car and i teach middle school... but i made the decision to not settle in my job. i need to get my own elementary classroom, so i declined to renew my contract in Spartanburg. This leads me to the land of temporary anxiety. i need to find a job by August. If i don't i really don't know what life will be like for the next school year. i've applied to different districts all over, but there are just no openings... that was until i got a response from Prince William County School District... in Virginia.

i go in for an interview on May 28. this could be where i'm working, where i'm living. life's next stop. and it'll take me from my friends, my family, and everything i've known in the upstate. it's kind of exciting... until i think about it as a reality. then it's almost scary, yet still exciting.

My best friend is looking for job opportunities and such, and she just expanded her job search to other cities across the US. So her location is also uncertain in the near future. One of my friends is going to get engaged SUPER soon... so life is going to be completely different for her, and she'll be moving from place to place with her husband who is in the Marines. Jen is staying in Seneca for another year, but she thinks she'll be moving to Texas after that for either grad school or teaching opportunities. Then Megan wants to pursue the Peace Corps, living in another country for two years.

it's crazy. everything will be changing really soon. this is the calm before the storm.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

My Prince.

For the past year i've been working on me. An event happened last year that proved to me that I needed to become more focused on being happy with myself, by myself. I used to think that I needed someone else to be happy. I would spend time wishing and hoping and thinking about that "special someone"... thinking "if only we could happen". Hours of my time spent focused on someone else to fill that piece of me that i felt i was missing. I was focused on finding a boyfriend, and it was almost always somewhere in the back of the mind.

When I found that guy, I ended up finding out that he didn't solve all the problems in my life. After a lot of tears and a little healing, I decided that I needed to be okay with myself.

So I took the time.

I graduated, got a big-girl job, and did a lot of growing up. I have never been so happy with myself, as far as not feeling like I need anyone to complete me (besides the Father, of course). Now I feel like I am ready for that adult relationship. I'm done with the college scene... I want a man, not a boy. Been there. Done that. I don't want to settle...

Let's see how it goes...

Sunday, January 3, 2010

From a B to Phonomenal...

So I didn't put up any of the Christmas decorations... surprised?

tee hee.

25 things that make me SMILE

1. my kitty cat
2. warm, rainy days
3. long talks with good friends
4. flannel sheets
5. random text messages
6. good music
7. derek :)
8. laughing about nothing
9. kid giggles
10. my clemson tigers
11. sweet tea
12. board games
13. rocking chairs
14. a good book on the beach
15. driving aimlessly
16. taking pictures
17. cheesy chick flicks
18. kisses
19. starbucks berry chai
20. road trips
21. chewy spree
22. airplane flights
23. coaching my students
24. dancing
25. comfy PJ pants


Remembering the Past year...

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New Year, New Blog

Well happy 2010 everyone! It's been quite the eventful 2009. I've graduated from Clemson and gotten a job teaching... moved out of an apartment and into a house... and have done some major growing up. At least I think so.

I miss the days when I could write down my thoughts. I've realized that it matters not very much who to, but just that I get the chance to think them through. Sometimes I felt more insightful five years ago when I look back. It's then that I realize there is a problem, that I need an outlet. I need this more than I knew I did. And I mean that in the least emotional way possible. :)

Today is the day that I take the Christmas decorations down. I bought my very first Christmas tree this year. One that is pre-lit and my very own. I don't know, I guess I see it as a right of passage of growing up. It's not a Charlie Brown Christmas tree. It's a full-fledged 7 footer. I bought all kinds of decorations for the house. I even put up icicle lights on the outside of the house! Although I'm sure our neighbors found it hilarious that the sun decided to set and the sky decided to open up when I was about halfway through. I powered through it, and needless to say, I don't want to take them down. Not only because it is a pain, but because I really worked hard putting them up there. Booo for Christmas being over.

School starts back tomorrow. I teach middle school out in the country, and while the students don't come back tomorrow, we have a full day of professional development. Analyzing midterm exams, talking with our team members on how we can improve, and all the fun stuff that goes along with starting the new semester. Our principal has a full day planned for us... from 8 AM to 3 PM. Wish us luck!

I'm gonna go start putting everything away and getting ready for what should be a fun semester... hold on to your hats! I'mma try and do this thing! :)