Saturday, July 17, 2010

Phase of In-Between

Currently sitting in the Dallas/Ft. Worth airport just people watching... and loving it. I'm on my way to have some family time in Texas for two weeks. Ever since I was 4 or 5 I've been coming out here to visit family during the summer, and after thinking about it, I just can't believe 20 years has flown by. Holly, my godsister, came into my world when I was 7 and she was a newborn, now she's going to be 17 this year! What?!? It's crazy how fast life is when it gets going... i just wish it would slow down just a little bit. Life: slow your roll.

I used to think uncertainty was something to fear. An unknown that could throw you a curveball (although it's more like a knuckleball for you baseball fans). I think when I realized that anticipating the outcome, or spending all your time worrying about the end result, takes away your joy. Think about it. You can either walk through life constantly searching, worrying, wondering... or you can just enjoy the ride. Which person would you rather meet? That's not to say that you shouldn't put effort into the living, but just don't spend all your time worrying about it. Don't pass up something just because of the uncertainty... you never know what you could be missing.

I think sometimes I need to listen to my instincts more, trust myself, and trust that God has a plan. I need to realize that I'm worth more than I think I am... that I bring something to the table. It's so easy for me to just brush things off and make excuses for people because I don't give MYSELF the benefit of the doubt. I used to think that was being selfish, thinking about myself first sometimes. But I know from the support of AWESOME friends that I am worth it. I'm worth more than I've been letting myself realize. But that brings me to where I am now...

I'm in that phase of in-between, and it's hard. I realize that I bring contributions to the table, but i'm not confident enough to do anything about it. I'm so content right now, and most of the time- extremely happy. I have people in my life that make me smile and laugh, and I know they'll be there for me no matter what. I'm working to move forward, to look to the future without letting life pass me by... but I know that I need to believe what I say. There is a difference between knowing what I should be doing- and doing it.

I'm the happiest I've been in a long, long, long time. I'm being patient and knowing that He'll lead me where he wants me. Almost everything seems to be falling into place... and those things that aren't, i'm not forcing. What's going to happen will happen, and it's trusting God and trusting others that is going to get me through. I know that I can count on Him, but I need to know that I can count on others sometimes. I deserve more than I've been letting myself have.

I'm still that person that puts other people's needs before my own in most cases. There are people in my life that I would do anything to make happy. Just to see them smile, I'd do just about anything. But I need to realize that I deserve that back. I need somebody who wants to make me smile, who wants me to be happy. I know these things, but the phase of in-between is a little too hard for me to make a move on just yet. I'm being patient. I'm letting God handle the careful situations. I'm stopping the worrying and the anticipation. It just feels right.

I'm not letting uncertainty suck the joy out of living.

I'm letting God handle that.

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